No One Told Me
There are so many books about parenting. A quick search of my library’s database yielded more than fifteen thousand results. Fifteen thousand. I’ve never been a big reader of parenting books. I learned early on that it felt better for me to study each of my children and adapt my parenting style as best I could to what they each needed. I’m still on that path, but no one told me what parenting adult children would be like.
No one told me how delightful relationships can be with adult children. No one told me what a gift it would be to have a whole new outlook on my calendar (pun intended). No one told me an empty nest could still feel full. No one told me how tiring it might be.
What new things are you learning? What did “no one tell you”?
Last Saturday morning, I fielded phone calls from three of my daughters. I love hearing from them, but it is emotional work. Adult children have adult worries about finances, jobs and loneliness. Adult children need more than a snack and a nap: they need a listening ear, advice that sets my own preferences aside and support instead of judgment.
It seems obvious to say, but each of my daughters are different than I am. They rest differently, learn differently, work differently and experience the world through a different lens. This means it takes some effort for me to parent well at this stage in their lives. I can’t just tell them what worked for me. I can share that info, but it’s usually just a jumping off point for a deeper conversation. I can’t set their boundaries for them. When they were toddlers, it was straightforward where danger lurked. That is less true now — and what’s dangerous for one daughter might be safe for another.
It’s challenging to attempt to always hold the neutral middle ground when one of my girls calls for advice. But I don’t want to push my own agenda on them and I don’t want to stunt their growth by making decisions for them. Maybe this sounds easy? It is not.
When is it easy for you to hold the middle ground in a conversation? When do you long to simply tell someone else what to do? How does that work out for you?
While there are many things I was unprepared for, I did know it would be hard on both sides when my children got sick away from home. One of my daughters had pneumonia this summer. When she got a cold last week, it seemed to quickly go to her chest. She was worried about a return of the pneumonia.
My own sophomore year of college, I got walking pneumonia. I was exhausted. I hung up a phone call because I couldn’t stop coughing. Each walk to class felt like a marathon. When I went home for Thanksgiving, everyone seemed to know I’d been sick. Turns out my mom was worried and shared the news far and wide.
So there were a few things I knew before this whole parenting of adults stage began (sickness is possible, prayer helps). I hope my own daughters are learning from my mistakes and their own, so that it will be a tiny bit easier for them to parent down the road.
What have you found to be the good surprises of this stage of your life? What are the things you navigate most easily?
Book Corner:
What I’ve Been Reading Lately
via hardback:
The Kingdom of the Poor: My Journey Home by Charles Strobel
Fr. Charlie Strobel changed the city of Nashville. He started multiple ministries in our city, one of which is dear to my heart (Room in the Inn). Charlie began this book before his death and it was edited by his niece and a RITI volunteer. There’s much to love about this book from Charlie’s stories to his definition of “poor” to the quality printing. This book is printed on great paper and offers full color photos inside - a rarity today. I can’t recommend this highly enough, but I would suggest having a few tissues on hand for the final third of the book.
Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
On Sunday evening, I had finished the library books I had on hand and I knew six were awaiting pickup at the library Monday morning. What to do? Thankfully, I chose this unread book from my shelf. We can’t hear Nouwen’s message too often. We are beloved.
via library hard copy:
Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell
This book is set in a world where magic is real, but hidden from our world with a few exceptions. Young Christopher finds out his grandfather is a gatekeeper to the other world and then meets Mal who has come through the gate. Their adventures feature many an impossible creature, intriguing side characters and lovely illustrations. This is a fun October read for its magical setting.
via audiobook:
Sacred Strides by Justin McRoberts
I was looking for a book to listen to while driving or doing puzzles and this one was available fro, the library. I like that it’s about work and rest. I’m not sure how I’ll feel by the end of the book, but right now I’m finding it engaging.
via eBook:
The Measure by Nikki Erlick
Circling back to say this book was a disappointment. There was so much potential to tell a new story and instead Erlick chose to re-tell the particular story of humanity where we use any possible means to see people as “other.” It’s frankly an all too common story and I wanted this book to take a different tack.
May we have the grace to navigate uncharted waters this week - be they literal waters, parenting waters or workplace waters.
Peace & Grace,
Shannon
You know I'm right there with you. So many good points here about why its hard. I feel like half my job is trying to stay quiet or NOT show a reaction. Like I said yesterday, how do we not hold our breath waiting for our kids to get sorted out because that process (like it's been for us) might be a lifetime...
And why do I feel like all too soon we'll be complaining to each other that our kids have spouses who they are turning to instead and we wish they called us more. Trying to look ahead on the parenting road when our kids were little didn't help us then, I know it doesn't really make it any easier to be in this season just because we know it's going change or end..but I do think about it.