A Snack and A Nap
Wednesday, August 14, 2024
Our Old Testament lectionary reading on Sunday was from 1 Kings. It tells the story of a fearful and exhausted Elijah. He comes off a bit dramatic:
Elijah went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a solitary broom tree. He asked that he might die: “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors.” (v. 4)
After this bold proclamation, Elijah goes to sleep.
God’s response surprises. God doesn’t admonish Elijah and tell him to keep going. Elijah’s fear is not dismissed. He doesn’t receive a pep talk. Instead, God lets him rest and sends an angel with cake and a jar of water. Elijah eats and promptly goes back to sleep.
The angel of the LORD came a second time, touched [Elijah], and said, “Get up and eat, otherwise the journey will be too much for you.” He got up, and ate and drank; then he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb the mount of God.” (v. 7-8)
More than anything else, this scene reminds me of a toddler with a mother. Said toddler is hangry. She needs a snack and a nap. The mother in question is gentle and loving. She gives the toddler what she needs to keep going.
Aren’t we all that toddler sometimes?
By the time you read these words, I will be on the road to move my youngest daughter back to college. My middle daughter will be about to land in New York to prepare for a year volunteering in Washington, DC. My house will be empty of children (again).
This season of life that I’m in is a bittersweet, emotional roller coaster. I love having my daughters home when they can be. I’m also glad when they head back to their normal lives. I love seeing them pursue their interests and make the world a better place, but I miss them. Things are so very “yes, and” in this stage of life. This is about both the ages of my children and my own age.
A little more than three years ago, I had a total hysterectomy. I desperately needed the hysterectomy and since my mother is an ovarian cancer survivor, removing my ovaries was the right choice. That meant I slammed into menopause before I was fifty. My breast cancer was estrogen positive, so hormone replacement therapy wasn’t an option for me. All that to say: my body is so different than it was a decade ago.
How are you different than you were? How much of that is physical, emotional, mental? What is your stage of life teaching you about yourself?
I’ve always had depressive tendencies. Now that I’m without hormones, I see that they kept me afloat and functioning. Without them, anti-depressants are necessary. I know and understand this rationally— I even mostly accept it. But I don’t love that my medication makes is nearly impossible to cry. I don’t love the way it flattens out my emotions. So sometimes I try adjusting my medication myself, cutting my dosage to see if I can manage with less. This is a bad idea.
I recognized this as a poor choice over a few weeks’ time, but via a recurring thought pattern. For every event I was invited to attend, I had to force myself to go. Not just because I’m an introverted homebody, but because I was convinced my presence didn’t matter. “They’ll have so many other people there,” I thought. Or “she won’t even notice my absence.” These things may be true, but they aren’t the truest thing. The truest thing is that I want to show up for the people I love.
For right now - and perhaps forever - Paxil is the “snack and a nap” I need for the journey. I stumble without it. My thoughts begin to twist truths and offer outright lies. I don’t want to need this help, yet I’m grateful it’s available to me. I’m grateful to have help for the journey.
What things are your “snack and a nap”?
Instead of a snack and a nap, do you need a feast and long rest? Join me September 6-8 for a silent retreat in Monteagle, TN. Email me at shannon@shannontruss.com for more info or to sign up.
Book Corner:
What I’ve Been Reading Lately
Two recent reads have dealt with women at a similar stage in life as mine.
Sandwich by Catherine Newman
I related to a lot of this book. I loved the way Newman conveyed how an oft-visited place can take us back to a previous time even when we are presently there. So much of parenting at this stage feels like seeing my daughters as both who they are and who they’ve always been.
All Fours by Miranda July
Let’s just say I am not taking the path of the main character of this book. All Fours is bizarre, lurid, vulgar and challenging. I’m not recommending it. I’m just saying I read it.
A few other recent reads:
Lo Fi by Liz Riggs
This book was a disappointment. If it hadn’t been set in Nashville, I wouldn’t have finished it. I found it pretentious / from the lack of quotation marks to the stream of consciousness paragraphs. I found it depressing / do people actually need this many substances to get through a day? I’d give this a pass no matter how intriguing it sounds.
The First Lie Wins by Ashley Elton
The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton
Summer Romance by Annabel Monaghan
These are good end-of-summer reads, especially if you want a thriller, mystery or rom-com. None of them are life changing. All of them are entertaining and quick reads.
God lovingly provided what Elijah needed; your needs will not go unmet.
May you have a snack and a nap when you need them.
Peace & Grace,
Shannon