More than a decade ago, my therapist told me she believed adult friendships were for a season and often based on proximity. If I saw her point then, I’ve now lived it— over and over again.
There were seasons when my friendships were deeply intertwined with my church community, my neighborhood and/or homeschooling. All have changed and morphed over time.
When we changed churches, we found ourselves at a church with far more age diversity. Our old church had been oriented around community groups - our new one was not. We lost all but a few friendships from our previous church. This shocked me at the time. Our families and lives were closely linked, yet our absence on Sunday broke the primary link in a way that would not hold. I have wondered whether that could have gone differently if I’d been willing to push past my own discomfort with confrontation and have some hard conversations, but mostly I’ve long since accepted this way of things. Our proximity changed when we left the church community and given how the relationships orbited around the church, it’s likely no other outcome was possible long term.
Are there friendships you’ve lost? What things do you still mourn? What gratitude do you have for that friendship?
Now that my daughters are grown and gone, I’ve experienced a similar shift in friendships a few times over. Our daughters attended a neighborhood elementary school, but students scattered to a wide range of middle schools, so we lost touch with many of those families. One friend went through her own hard times in her marriage while I was walking through cancer and its attendant surgeries and treatments. Other relationships have flat out ruptured - some more dramatically than others.
Can you look back and see your own role in friendships that have come and gone? What things did you learn? What might you do differently now?
I see the ghosts of these friendships in my daily life. I might drive past a former meeting spot now rendered unfamiliar or walk a greenway with a new friend while remembering walking it with someone else.
My current landscape of friendships is more like a set of interlocking Venn diagrams and less like the one-time community that orbited our church. I walk with a friend I met through WEB. Jason and I watch football with a couple we met through homeschooling. Another friend paddle boards with me and joins us for Taco Tuesdays. I traveled to Europe last fall with friends I’ve known since elementary school. I meet with a friend I’ve known for two decades to talk writing, reading and life.
All of these friends know me differently. (Thankfully) I’ve changed and evolved since elementary school. I hike with some friends, swap book ideas with others and talk faith ideas and practices with a group. Each friendship I have and pursue nourishes some part of me. I’m grateful to not have all of my eggs in one basket when it comes to friendship. I’m thankful for new and old friends, deep and nascent ones. It can be hard to lose friendships as life seasons change, but I’m grateful for the way my friends have shaped and formed me over the years.
How have friendships shaped your life? your faith? Are there ways you long to be a better friend?
May we welcome friendships in our lives.
May we risk honesty and vulnerability with friends.
May we hold our friends loosely - lifting them up when they need it, grounding them in hard seasons, letting them go when necessary.
May we laugh, cheer, swim, hike and travel with friends. May we let our friendships shape and change us.
Book Corner:
What I’ve Been Reading Lately
via Library Loan:
The Paradise Problem by Christina Lauren
Good but not great. The extreme wealth reminded me a bit of the Kevin Kwan book I read recently. The kind of excess described is unsettling to me. The main characters were cute enough and it was entertaining for a summer read.
via hardback:
All Fours by Miranda July
I’m not sure what to even say about this book. It’s weird and wise, unexpected and familiar, realistic and like a fever dream. July challenged me throughout this book to assess my own assumptions about how life should proceed. The protagonist and I don’t have a lot in common, but it was interesting to see life through her eyes for a bit.
via audiobook:
The Cruelest Month by Louise Penny
I’m re-listening to the Gamache series bit by bit. It’s fascinating to go back to the beginning and see these characters while knowing some of the evolution that comes next.
May you seek to value your friendships and be a valued friend.
Love,
Shannon
My spiritual direction groups for next year can be found here.
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